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Attempting to change yourself is destructive to all the beauty and power and charisma you naturally have within, buried under layers of insecurities, doubts and fears. Nothing good can come from a belief system based on destructive lies. The more she consciously thinks “I need to be more soft” -outside, inside, whatever – the more she has to think about being something-other-than-she-is, the more she will be reminded that simply by trying to change her behavior in this ridiculous way, she is “ not enough” and “ men don’t want her as she is.” Men want a ‘softer’, more ‘feminine’ woman, and that is why I’m failing with men.”Īnd those destructive lies then become the operating belief system for that woman when she interacts with men. When a woman tries to “be soft on the outside” because someone selling relationship-advice-tapes told her it was a good idea, the real message her subconscious will internalize is, “ I am not good enough as I am. The fact that you are doing something on purpose, which is not natural to you, is already destructive and corrosive to your natural power and confidence. Whatever you are doing to appear “soft”, and however you define that, doesn’t really matter. Unfortunately, whether you are dealing with a violent husband, or a wishy-washy boyfriend, the result of being passive, emotional, and “soft” is never what you want it to be. That if only they would be softer, more feminine, less demanding, less argumentative, more appreciative, more passive… they could “transform” their abuser. As I listened to a CD of one of her workshops, it seemed like a lot of women with low self-esteem trapped in bad situations with abusive men, desperate to find some magic cure for their tragic situation because they were too scared to leave – and instead of getting the psychological help they needed to heal their self-esteem so they could protect themselves from dangerous men and move on, they were paying for a workshop where they were (subtly) told, that the abuse was their fault. I still remember this particularly shocking example from the program, as well as Rori’s major focus on “healing” abusers and “transforming toxic relationships”, and it’s why I could no longer stomach the material. Being “strong” is not just leaving the room when a man disrespects you on that level… it’s leaving the relationship. We can only wonder at the tragic effect this would leave on the young daughter, who would be condemned to watch her mother suffer such treatment. The victim is supposed to make this declaration of her feelings in a calm, soft, sweet tone of voice before removing herself from the abuser, to preserve her “soft/strong” status. A clear, and disturbing domestic-violence situation – and this is the response recommended by the so-called relationship expert. Seriously, this specific example was given… of a man screaming abusive obscenities at his wife when he came home from work. But… only after softly and sweetly telling the abuser her feelings about being abused… something like “When you scream at me that I’m a f***ing c**t in front of our four year old daughter, it feels bad.”
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It’s just a gimmicky shorthand for her idea that women should behave very passively and constantly share their feelings with men (soft), and if anything happens that is abusive or inappropriate, the woman should leave his presence (strong). When the phrase is explained in the program, there really is no applicable “inside” or “outside” to it at all. What inside and outside are we talking about? Your skin? Your internal organs? Do you have an inside and outside of your mind? And inside and outside to your psychology? Is it really referring to being two-faced with the guy? Are you supposed to appear to be one way for the man (soft and weak?), but secretly, “on the inside” be something else (strong)? And how long is that strategy supposed to last exactly? Is this a game you play forever? Not inside, not outside, not in the middle… this verbal gimmick doesn’t even make sense. I am familiar with the phrase, since her programs were part of the many dozens I researched and studied in my initial training years ago, and now in the fullness of time, and having since put together the principles of what I would call “a true Siren”, let me explain why I believe this idea to be complete nonsense.įirst of all, you don’t have to be “soft” anywhere. Recently, I’ve had several women ask me about the Rori’s “soft on the outside, strong on the inside” line that she often uses.